This is how I actually felt when I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test. The week I found out I knew something was up. I wasn't feeling right and my body just felt off. I told the Hubby about what I was feeling and we both nervously laughed at the idea that I might be pregnant. See, I had stopped the BCP (birth control pill) in late October of 2010 to regulate my cycles in preparation for trying to conceive the following year. Since before we got married we always said that the year I turned 28 was the year we would start trying.
We liked the idea of being young-ish parents and knew the risks of waiting until after age 30 to start trying. So when I went off the pill Chris(hubby) and I decided that we would use alternative forms of protection until we were ready, which was around my 28th B-Day in Oct 2011. I had heard of friends having trouble getting pregnant and it taking at least a year to get knocked up. We were both comfortable with the timeline and decided to just go for it.
So on a day off from work in late March the Hubby and I were at Target when I suggested we buy a pregnancy test. We even commented that I was probably just getting sick and that I couldn't possibly be pregnant. I'm not saying we were perfect and always used a back up but to be honest we only slipped a couple of times.
We got home, put away the groceries and cleaning supplies we had purchased, and sort of stared at each other like... should I do it now?. Of course when the time came I couldn't pee so I pounded 2 water bottles and waited for the need to urinate. I went to the bathroom by myself and Chris made himself busy with doing things around the house. I waited the longest three minutes of my life and when I looked down the test said positive. I just sort of stared at it thinking it couldn't be right and then proceeded to take all 3 tests in the box. One after another they were all positive. Again, I just sort of stared at it and my immediate thought was "oh shit is this for real?".
Chris knocked on the door since it had been a while since I said anything and I proceeded to tell him the news. I was shocked at the way he reacted. Not only did he bust out the label maker to date the pee stick he even looked excited! I don't remember what I said to him but I just remember making my way to the couch where I started to cry. I wasn't really upset and I wasn't really happy either. The whole event wasn't like anything they show in the movies/TV where couples smile, laugh, shed happy tears, and start immediately planning for baby. Mine was more of a "WTF? Is my life over?" sort of reaction.
The next few days were up and down with emotions as I tried to grasp the idea that I was pregnant. It got a little easier as the days went by, but it was easy to forget at the same time since I didn't really have any of the "normal" pregnancy symptoms. Some of you might be saying to yourself that my reaction was the wrong reaction but you have to understand that while I felt blessed I wasn't ready for a baby so soon after getting off the BCP. I felt guilty that I wasn't happy, I felt guilty that so many other women struggle to get the very thing I was unsure of, and I felt totally alone.
I was never a fan (and still not) of kids and babies. I was never one to fawn over newborn babies and ask if I could hold them (but give me a furry little puppy or kitty and I will be all over that shit). Don't get me wrong I will love my kids to death, but I probably still won't really like other peoples kids. The year we thought it was going to take was my time to warm-up to being part of the mommy club.
While I still have my days of being anxious I have warmed up to the idea, accepted that my life is going in the direction it's going, and am even happy and excited. Hearing the heartbeat and seeing the baby in the ultrasound has been one of the most exciting and magical things to experience.
I really have to give a ton of credit to my Husband who has been my rock and strength over the past 21 weeks. I'm truly blessed to have him in my life and I am blessed to be able to bring a part of him into this world.
I know I'm starting this blog a little late but in all honesty the main purpose of it is to just document my feelings/thoughts,pregnancy in general, and to share news with family that's not close. So, please forgive any misspelled words or grammatical errors..I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to be. Hope you enjoy what I have to say(and if you don't I don't care)!
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